21 October, 2017

Soft Lemon Butter Cookies

I am really happy with where I am in my life right now. I am so proud of myself. I'm so glad I have cut certain people out of my life and as a result, I have met someone who I have fallen completely in love with. I have never felt this level of euphoria or connection with anyone. I'm also so happy to be back at home...in Melbourne.
The people I've cut out the past 3 months can do their own thing and I wish them the best. But in hindsight, I was in a very toxic relationship and had toxic friends. Meeting my guy right now has put everything into perspective in relation to what I deserve. I'm so embarrassed that I had let myself be subject to such emotional manipulation for 3 years. But it allowed me to think, feel and act how I do today. I wish a certain someone the best and if you're reading this J, don't treat other women how you treated me. I'm not talking just about the slight elbow shoves you used to do to me in public whenever you felt uncomfortable (which were caused purely by your own social insecurities, I hope you understand), the ridiculous and hungry glances you gave to other women because you knew that I was watching, or even standing in front of me in an attempt to feel powerful. What I'm talking about is coercion and pure manipulation. You know what I'm referring to. Threatening your commitment to me when I don't give you something sexual in return is fucked up. It took me so long to realise. And it may even come a shock to you to read. But it is. Pressuring someone over and over again in an extremeley incessant and crafty way to give you something that they don't feel comfortable with is also wrong. A child would be able to tell you that. But before you have one, I hope you fix those behaviours. I so regret giving you everything. I so regret letting you feel you had that power over me. I pray your next partner never experiences that and if she does, I'm sending her love and strength to walk away. It's degrading. It's coincidental that the Harvey Weinstein story is circulating as I'm writing this post.
One thing I am grateful for though is your choice to end us. It was the best decision you had made and it has changed my life for the better. I hope it has for you too. I think it would because inevitably, the relationship would have broken down and it would have been even more painful for both of us to walk away. We are too different and our dynamic was never right.
There's no point in reliving the past but I just want to write on here honestly without any restraints. The bad has gone and it's only up from here. I'm so proud of myself that regained the power that I was stripped of during those 3 years. I'm so glad that I've found someone who treats me with the utmost respect in every way. Who communicates honestly and who I know will never do wrong (never say never though, hey. Can't trust anyone). I was also very empowered in those 3 years and was taught a lot by you. You have made me the person that I am today and I will forever be grateful. But some behaviours are inexcusable and the good you gave me doesn't negate the bad.
As naive and ridiculous as it sounds, I feel like I've met my soulmate. He literally fell into my lap by chance. There is someone up there looking out for me and giving me the good things in life early. He makes me feel beautiful and powerful. He loves the things I do. He appreciates me. He wants to be there for me. He raises me up and waters me. I'm also low-key stalker/obsessed with him and he knows that by now but still loves me yay. But I have never felt so sure of someone in my life. And I have never felt such love emanate from someones heart FOR me. I have never met someone my age who is honest and who isn't scared about their feelings. It's most insanely beautiful thing when the exact same feelings you have are reciprocated and felt by them. That's what a bond is. And we bond on a spiritual, emotional and physical level. Ugh i love u soooooo much

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