22 January, 2017

Easy Banana Bread [coming to terms with death]

My life has completely turned upside down since I last wrote on here. My world is broken and my heart is black. The pain that I am experiencing at the moment is indescribable. My darling father/bear/sunbeam/best friend/personal comedian/hugger/ball of goodness has been diagnosed with cancer. Grade 4 Glioblastoma which is an aggressive form of brain cancer. I never thought this would happen to me. It was never supposed to happen and I refuse to believe that it still is. 

How does one deal with this?? Where are the answers? My parents mean everything to me. They are more than parents to me and my family is being tortured right now. I don't know how to feel and although it has already been nearly 2 months since Dad's diagnosis, this still isn't real. 

Sometimes I wake up and I feel a smile spread across my face because it was a joke and a horrible, disgusting, nightmare that I dreamt for far too long. Then reality hits me. It wasn't a nightmare. It was yesterday and the day before and the day before that. And yes, it will still be today, tomorrow and the day after that. And I'm paralysed and I lay there for minutes trying to process that yes this is real and everything was too good to be true. 22 years of pure love, a picturesque childhood and perfect parents who understood my sister and I for who we are; not for who they wanted us to be. We had it too good and if its too good for too long it's going to come to an end. Never ever ever in my wildest dreams would I associate the word cancer with my family. 

Throughout my life I have been the crazy daughter who would be paranoid and obsessed with my parents health. From a very young age the worst possible thing that could ever happen to me was the thought of my parent(s) becoming sick. I wished for my family's health every birthday. I would be on my mum and dads back to go to regular checkups, I monitored what they ate, I made sure that they exercised, I would make sure my mum went for her mammogram appointment every two years, I would warn my Dad about heart attacks; what they felt like and what he should do if he ever had one and I constantly massaged him so he would feel less stressed from work (and therefore less of a chance for the onset of diseases). 
I once made both of them stop drinking hot chai in the morning because I had read that hot beverages can cause throat cancer!!!!

But wow... on December 2nd, 2016 who would have ever anticipated fucking brain cancer!? I missed it by a fucking mile. 

I think that's why I am taking this the hardest out of my mum and sister. The fact that I have had such a paranoia about this for years and that my nightmare is actually materialising itself is the most dumbfounding and unbelievable thing. I still haven't accepted it. I'm still in shock and I can't believe that out of everything it was THIS. The ONE THING I needed. It couldn't have been financial difficulty, a parental divorce or a bad breakup which I could've experienced. I so so so so wish it were one of those instead. I so wish we were homeless, that my parents divorced or I remained single for the rest of my life if it meant that my Dad didn't have cancer. 

I can't even get up to start my day and I lay there numb with emotion. The only thing that gets me out of bed is my Dad and I run to the kitchen to see him sitting there, beaming down at me and commenting on how late I woke up or asking me if I want to watch the next Breaking Bad episode. The grammar in this post is horrible but to be honest I don't really care. My brain is racing at a million trillion miles per millisecond and I am just pouring my feelings out.

My Dad, if you're blessed to meet him in this lifetime, is someone you want to meet. He oozes a zest for life, love and positivity and when you talk to him you ultimately just want to do a running jump and squeeze him. Bc he's cute, bc he has glasses and bc he is soft. Legitimately the only teddy bear you need.

I could make this post even more saddening as it already has been. I can talk more about how I am feeling (what even are feelings anymore though?), how my family is dealing with this or how my Dad is coping. But I don't really want to do that. I want to dedicate this banana bread post to Dad because I made this for him a couple of days before he was officially diagnosed. He loved it and he loves bananas and nuts...cos u know, he's a bear.

Currently he is on a low sugar diet. Doctors tell us to let him eat whatever he wants but we are desperately searching for ways he can suppress the cancer so we can have his light around us for longer. 

I read a quote the other day on a cancer dedicated Instagram page. It said that one of the hardest things to go through in life is the mourning of someone who is still alive. I have never read anything more accurate.

Glioblastoma is deadly, it's a cunt and it's the most fucked up thing to happen to someone you love more than your own existence. Cancer in general is a fucking cunt. 

Easy Banana Bread 
                                                                                  Serves 10 
- 1 cup SR flour
- 1 cup caster sugar
- 50g melted butter
- 1 egg, lightly beaten
- 1 tsp vanilla essence
- 1/4 cup milk
- 1/2 cup mashed banana

Preheat oven to 180C/160C fan-forced. Spray a 7cm-deep, 10 x 20cm (base measurement) loaf pan with oil. Line base and sides with baking paper, 3cm above the rim.
 Sift flour into a large bowl. Stir in sugar. Make a well in the centre. Add butter, egg, vanilla, milk and banana. Stir until just combined.
Pour into prepared pan. Bake for 30-35 minutes or until a skewer inserted into centre comes out clean. Set aside in pan for 10 minutes to cool slightly. 
Serve warm.

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