How do you deal with so much when it all happens at the same time? If you look at my last post you will know that my beautiful Father and the sunshine of my life has been diagnosed with Grade 4 brain cancer. The very deadly type which gives you a very limited amount of time left on this earth.
How are we made to handle stuff like this? Why doesn't anyone teach you that? I am overwhelmed and drowning ATM. So many things to do, not enough time. Yet, so much time and not anything to do.
Your emotions, if you're anything like me, will eventually murder you
They will start to play games with your heartbeat, making it irregular and shaky
They will gnaw at the flesh of your confidence, causing your shoulders to concave and become stubborn
My muscles have grown thin with inactivity, my mind has become idle and my skin dirty from a sooty coating which I can't seem to scrub off
Your body soon begins to run on the colour black until even your emotions are no longer able to inhabit its rotting form
Why would I hate myself even more in this situation?
Because I'm allowing it to happen
An attempt to reclaim my body seems too exhausting at this point
I don't have that energy to spare
I'm still unsure of whether the depth of my emotions is a blessing or a curse.
*As absolutely deluded and bizarre as this sounds, I feel like my late grandmother is talking to me in order to protect her son who she can't be there for. I'm crying writing that out. The thing is, I want to protect him more than anyone would want to protect their father. I feel like I have to protect him more so because his mother isn't there to do so. I have to make him feel safe and protected as a son because in his eyes, I'm just his daughter. There's no one higher to him to make him feel loved and protected, I'm the lowest in the hierarchy so I really don't think it has the same impact. I wish my grandmother could be here so she could hold him and tell him he's going to be okay. I know he misses her and wants that. Anyone wants that from their mother.
Life can be so fucking cruel.
Nutty and Seedy Toasted Granola
- 1 1/2 cups of rolled oats
- 1/4 cup of sultans
- 1/4 cup mixed seeds (sunflowers, pepitas)
- 1/4 cup pistachios
- 1/4 cup almonds
- 1/4 cup desiccated coconut
- 3 Tb honey
- Mix all dry ingredients together in a bowl. Add honey and mix well. A few clumps here and there won't make a difference - it actually makes the granola better tbh.
- Spread evenly on a baking try lined with greaseproof paper. Place in 180C oven for 5 mins. Whilst still in oven grab a spoon and mix the granola around on a tray to try and turn the oats and nuts. Cook for another 5 mins or until toasted to your liking.